The thing about guilt is that it overwhelms you.

You know you want to stop! You know what you should have done! and you know what you should do!

But you don’t stop.

You see, when gambling becomes a problem, you don’t want to do it anymore but you do it because it’s a habit or because – and this is the dangerous situations I found myself in – you think THINK you can win ALL your money back.

When it all unravels and you suddenly lose everything, you feel a sense of loss and sadness. Those feelings don’t last for long and are quickly replaced by guilt. This happens over and over again and every time the guilt grows bigger and the crushing feeling hits harder.

The thing about guilt is that it overwhelms you.


Share your experiences with me here:

If you want to donate to my buying a house, you can do it here .



It’s a lonely lonely place

I’ve been getting in touch with people about their experiences and the overwhelming feeling that’s shared by most of them is loneliness.

Most people think that it’s the lack of support that drives people into more and more trouble, but most people don’t share, keep it secret and end up having to deal with their gambling losses and subsequent on their own. This generates and intense feeling of loneliness.

The more worrying thing comes after that, when the loneliness turns into depression and other darker thoughts. IF you are at that stage, you need to find help. Whether it is from a family member, someone you trust or the dedicated professionals and charities that deal with these things.

Another important thing to remember is that you are NOT alone. Many people suffered, are suffering and will suffer the same way you did. The feelings are the same even if the situations are different and you CAN turn things around.

Share your experiences with me here:

If you want to donate to my buying a house, you can do it here .

How I nearly lost it all to online gambling

I am in my early thirties, I am a doctor, I’m in a loving happy relationship and I have a supportive highly educated family. So, why has this happened?

Contrary to what you might think, gambling is not something that has been a part of my life for a long time. In fact – even though I was brought up in a comfortable, middle class household – I was always careful when it came to money. I was always reminding those around me to be careful when it came to money. In hindsight, maybe I should have listened to my own advice.

Sure, I’ve always been partial to the random bet on a sporting event and yes, like most of you, I lost most times. But it was fun, it was under control. That all changed 6 months ago.

While I was trying my luck with an accumulator on a premier league weekend, I discovered a button on the top that simply stated: Live Casino. The lure was too much. I clicked it.

There is not a minute that goes by without me wishing I never clicked that button.

I was transported into a space where I didn’t need to leave my couch to play Blackjack, I didn’t have to move to change tables/dealers and I had no limit on how much I can bet. I should have set a limit.

I tried my luck and won. Then I tried my luck again and won again. Then I was hooked. 6 months later, 25 thousand pounds later and all of my savings are gone and – bar the help from my family – I would have lost the house I wanted to buy too. But it’s not just about the money, it’s about the addiction I didn’t understand, the guilt, the self blame and the depression that followed. Now I understand what other people went through and I sympathize with them rather than blame them the way I used to.

When gambling addiction had its claws on me, it was near impossible to shake it off. It was like a powerful drug but it was legal. I could also keep it secret. All that time, the only thing that was going through my mind is, I could win my money back. I could win big. Real big.

All that time I was thinking, I could become very rich very quick and my whole life will be sorted. It wasn’t all selfish. I wanted to help those around me when I finally won big. I wanted to make everyone happy. I didn’t. This is why the majority of those 25 thousand pounds were lost in one single week. One awful week when I kept losing but I kept telling myself that I’ll win it all back. Then I’ll be rich.

In many ways, that was one of the worst weeks of my life and the week that woke me up. I suddenly realized that I couldn’t keep going this way. I’m not going to win big. I’m not going to become rich overnight. I was in trouble.

A rough night followed, full of misery and with no sleep in sight, and that’s when I realized I was alone. I had to deal with this on my own and that nobody can help me.

I was suicidal. This is the first time I’ve said it out loud.

It was then, when I was on the brink, that I realised that I needed to push those thoughts out of my head and set up a plan of recovery. Set up a path to recovery. It wasn’t about the money anymore, it was about me, it was about the beautiful girl sleeping next to me and my wonderful parents and brother who worry about me. They want me to be happy and I want to be happy for them.

I finally shook it off. I finally got rid of that nasty monster that was hanging onto me for 6 months.

I could finally move on. But not until I had a plan to get my life back and myself back. Out came the notepad. A plan is set. I can’t do it on my own so I need your help and I want to help you. I also need to write about it to relieve the stress that has taken over my brain.

This is why I started this blog.

And now, it’s time to start my family. It’s time to start my new life.

Share your experiences with me here:

If you want to donate to my buying a house, you can do it here .